Why Being Kind to Yourself Matters and 10 Ways to Practice Self-Kindness

by Jennifer Lambert

I’ve been seeing or hearing the phrase, “Hurt people hurt people” in several places over the past few months and it’s made me pause to think about how that really is true. It’s not uncommon to see people lash out at others when they’ve been hurt by someone or something, and we’ve probably all done it at one point in our lives. But what if we’re the ones who are hurting ourselves? How can we show kindness to others when we aren’t showing kindness to ourselves?

A lot of research has shown that practicing self-kindness has many benefits and rewards, like emotional intelligence, wisdom, happiness and feeling interconnected with others. Those who are kind to themselves also experience less depression and anxiety, perfectionism and fear of failure. It’s easy to see how kindness to oneself leads to kindness to others. Let’s take a look at 10 strategies for increasing self-kindness.

1. Stop the “I am not enough” self-talk. Replace it with telling yourself that your worth is not conditional on your looks, your smarts, strength or any number of attributes. Nothing has to happen for you to be worthy, you are already enough.
2. Stop setting standards of perfection for yourself. Nobody is perfect, so stop setting yourself up for failure - success and perfection are not the same thing. 
3. Believe in yourself. Trust your own instincts and abilities and have faith that you can have what is best for yourself. Believe that you deserve good things.
4. Be your own best friend. Imagine that your best friend, or someone else you love is feeling bad about themselves. What would you say to them? How would you treat them? How would you help them to feel reassured? How would you show your love? Ask yourself those questions, and then do those things for yourself.
5. Find the happy medium between accepting yourself how you are and also acknowledging your potential for being better. If you know what you want from life, go after it. But never being satisfied or settling for what you already have are two extremes that can lead to unhappiness.
6. Soothe yourself. We all have those days where anything and everything that can go wrong goes wrong. Take some time to lick your wounds by sleeping it off, taking a long bath or shower, turning up the music and dancing like no one is watching, or vegging out in front of the TV for a few hours. Tomorrow is always a new day.
7. Treat yo self. Don’t max out your credit cards or put off paying for necessities, but purchase something small that you’ve had your eye on. Get yourself a cookie and a drink from Sodalicious or Swig. Get a pedicure or a new haircut. Go out to dinner.
8. Forgive yourself. We all get angry at ourselves from time to time. Maybe you regret something you did (or didn’t do) in the past. Maybe you let somebody get the best of you and said things you shouldn’t have said. Or you’re upset at yourself for letting an opportunity pass you by. Show yourself some compassion by not playing the blame game with yourself, resolving to do better in the future, and forgiving yourself.
9. Toot your own horn. We’re usually quick to acknowledge the success and achievements of others, but we’re slow to give ourselves recognition. Take a minute to celebrate your accomplishments and success.
10. Respect yourself. Self-respect is not allowing others to dictate how you think and behave. It’s owning your opinions and decisions. Self-respect is not comparing yourself to others. It’s showing up for yourself and keeping your promises. 

​Remember that you deserve the goodwill you offer to others. As the Buddhist saying goes, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Be kind to yourself.

Jennifer Lambert is a writer, a PTO president, a mom and a wife. She’s never met a cheese she didn’t like and doesn’t let a little lactose intolerance get in the way of achieving her dreams. Although not a native of Provo she considers it her home now, having been welcomed with open arms and ranch dressing from the BYU Creamery.

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